September 20, 2012 - Page 2 of 2

Random-Lee: Good parents, bad parents

Last month my son Bayen left for Bend, Ore. Not on vacation, but for a wonderful new job opportunity, to live his life far away from us — about 3,000 miles away. I am so happy for him. I am so sad. I hope he is excited about this new adventure. I hope he is a little bit scared.

Happy because he is strong, independent, able to adapt and continue his journey through life on his own, away from his family and the friendships of his last 10 years in Boston. Sad because he is strong and independent and doesn’t need us nearby to guide and be a part of his daily life.

I remember having the same feelings when he left for college 14 years ago. MIT did not provide advance-housing plans; the students were meant to come to school a week early and look at available options and make a choice. So we took Bayen to the train station in Wilmington and sent him off, alone, with nothing more than a pack on his back. After all, didn’t it make sense for us to drive up later with all his stuff, after he decided where he was going to live?

Of course it did. So why was I crying and feeling so inadequate as a parent? Weren’t we good parents for letting him go to make his own choices? Or were we terrible parents for letting an 18-year-old go to a strange city on his own with just an acceptance letter in his pocket? Good parents for encouraging his independence, or bad parents who looked like they didn’t care?

These questions, good parent or bad parent, came back when Bayen left for Oregon. Now he joins young Eric in California and Bradley across the pond in London. Too far away to see frequently, too distant to know their friends and what their daily lives are like. They are all busy, developing careers and families, living lives that we can only visit occasionally and admire from afar. No daily telephone calls or Sunday dinners with the whole family.

Were we right to encourage them to be independent, to follow their dreams, to see the world as their oyster? Or did we deprive them of close family relationships, holidays with aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings who would be their best friends throughout their lives – like the way I grew up with both sets of grandparents just down the street. This question comes back frequently; good parents, or bad parents, better to have them need us or not need us?

I am reminded of my sister in Ohio whose four children all live within a half hour. She babysits for someone or other most days. Her schedule is filled with dance recitals, Little League games, and every holiday dinner at her house. And I think of my brother who still lives in our hometown, who still maintains close friendships with his old high school buds.

Why do some children stay close to home as adults while others go off to far away ports? And what role do we play in those decisions? Should we encourage our adult children to come home and be a part of our lives, or encourage them to go off and build their own? Do we teach them to be strong and independent, to not need us? And if we do, how do we not regret it when they are so far away and living their own lives without us?

I certainly don’t have the answer, but I think about it often and wonder how other people feel about this dilemma…and how you deal with it? Good parents, bad parents? Any thoughts?

* Lee Miller welcomes responses. Please email them to leemiller229@gmail.com

About Lee Miller

Lee Miller began her writing career with four books about Pennsylvania/east coast wines and the creation of Wine East magazine. She then went on to found the Chaddsford Winery with her husband Eric, where she turned her pen to promotion, advertising, public relations and marketing of their successful business venture for 30 years. Last year Lee co-wrote the new wine book, “The Vintner’s Apprentice” with Eric, and retired from the Chaddsford Winery to pursue other interests. She is currently working on a book about her life in the wine industry and exploring the retirement life. Her goal in writing a column for Chadds Ford Live is to generate dialogue and elicit reader response.

Mind Matters: Fathers, sons, and the ‘feminine’

Health

As I swam in my favorite oasis of summer, a quarry replete with filter system and a beach, I overheard a child say, “Ouch, I skinned myself.” Father retorts, “Oh, you’re tough!”

I let the comment go figuring that perhaps the dad has assessed the situation accurately as “nothing to fret about.” Awhile later, however, I hear the son say again something about how he is hurting to which the father replies in a deep voice, “You’re tough.”

Now I begin to wonder if this is not a case where the father needed his inner feminine to come forward so that he could lead with his warmth (as a male psychologist-colleague would say to his male clients) and give his child an empathetic ear. Perhaps, all this little boy needed was for his dad to bend down and check his knee, give it a pat and a kiss. Instead, father ignored his child’s pleas, and gave him no eye contact or the briefest of concerns.

Granted that this father may love his son dearly and may even think that his actions with him will harden him for the game of life. The father, I would guess, wants to make his son in his image — and his image of himself is more than likely that of a “man’s man” — tough, invulnerable. Perhaps this is a man that bristles at showing any feeling other than anger. Vulnerability, then, would be a sign of weakness.

There is a Native American proverb that says, “Gentleness is the greatest strength.” This father would be even stronger, braver, if he could show his son that it is okay to feel vulnerable sometimes and that TLC (tender, loving care) is not just a “girl thing.”

On another day at the quarry, I overheard another father remark to his son, “Don’t act like a girl.” The message to be tough may be slightly less derogatory, but both messages convey the idea that to be vulnerable is to be feminine and that to be feminine is inferior.

What kind of world would it be if fathers could teach their sons gentleness and acceptance of their own feminine within? Comments of “you’re tough” and “don’t act like a girl” are signs that the feminine is given short shrift within these men. What if the inner feminine were allowed to rise in all its strength and power and be honored? The inner feminine that contains empathy and care united within the masculine would make a meek and mighty man: indeed, gentleness is the greatest strength.

* Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com or 610-388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com.

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.

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