Mind Matters — Good Deeds May Be Better Than We Think

Posted by Dr. Kayta Gajdos on May 9, 2009

In a chilling rain, I decide, “Eh, I won’t get out of my car to get that nice hot tea. I’ll use the drive-in window.” Dutifully, I follow the arrows on the asphalt. Suddenly, a car speeds up from another entrance and cuts in front of me. I beep my horn—no, I don’t lean on the horn—just beep enough to communicate to the rude driver, “Hey, what are you doing?” I fume a bit and consider how inconsiderate the person sitting in front of me is. I create judgmental stories about his or her narcissism as I witness the driver being served. Ah, my turn now. The server hands me my chai, but astonishes me with her words spoken with a broad smile: “Oh, no charge—the person ahead of you has graciously paid for your order and apologizes for having cut you off. Have a good day!”

Wow, a gracious kind deed indeed! I have no idea who the driver was and we will most likely never meet. Yet this act in anonymity was transformative. My attitude reversed itself: the critical negative thinking and the angry feelings dissolved. You would have thought the low gray sky spouted rainbows.

The irony of all this is, of course, that no one else is responsible for our feelings, for our emotional reactivity. Even when we feel wronged in a situation, we are still responsible for calming ourselves and not jumping out of our skins. My emotional reactivity in this case took the form of judgmental fantasizing. If I were unable to let my preoccupation go (even without the apology), this kind of stewing could be unhealthy. Evidence from medical research shows that prolonged stress antagonizes our physical health.

The sooner we are able to “equilibrate” and get back to a less stressful state of being, the better. We all need to learn responsibility for our own self-soothing. However, what a celebration of humanity it is when someone performs an act of restitution after having acted inappropriately. It is an affirmation of what is best in being human.

While we all have the capacity for acting unkindly even going full throttle to behaving with evil brutality, we also have the choice to develop what is highest in us. And guess what? The idea that we actually do have a greater desire to do good is not a guess. Scientists are discovering that we appear to be hardwired for choosing kindness. We naturally desire relationship and connection; it is unnatural and against our inclination to life, for example, to kill another. We need to be trained to kill, because it goes against our basic instincts.

Scientists are also studying how our brains register more happiness and satisfaction when we give more than when we get. So perhaps, as delighted as I was to receive the gift of tea, the anonymous apologizer who provided this kindness may have left the drive-in window feeling even more satisfied.

Who knows how long the ripple effects of kindness continued that day? How can we reflect on our actions every day and make choices that allow us to grow more fully into our own humanity, our wholeness? When we give to others, when we smile, say kind words, we are not only “doing unto others,” we are actually, simultaneously, “doing unto ourselves.” “Practice random acts of kindness” notes the bumper sticker. Now brain scans prove the cliché to be to our advantage.

* Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com or 610-388-2888. Past columns are posted to http://www.DrGajdos.com/Articles.

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.