Mind Matters: Cocoons and kids, a necessary struggle

Posted by Dr. Kayta Gajdos on September 1, 2010

Who doesn’t
like butterflies? What we may not realize is that there is a struggle necessary
for the caterpillar to transform into that beautiful winged creature. You see,
if you made a hole in the cocoon believing that you’re helping the process,
you’d actually be hindering the butterfly’s flight. For the miraculous
transformation to occur, the caterpillar needs to do the work of creating his
own way out.

The
butterfly story may be apropos for all ages. School is back in session, so I
happened upon some teachers and asked them what are their concerns with the
start of the school year. In unison, they agreed that they worried that parents
tried too hard to make everything right for their children, not allowing the
children to struggle with little mistakes—not allowing them to find their own
resourcefulness or how to work out a problem.

As ever,
life is about finding the via media, the middle way, of careful balance. Of
course, we as parents don’t want to leave our kids in the lurch and we need to
attend to their needs, be a listening ear, monitor their behavior, be aware. On
the other hand, we as parents also need to allow our children to work at
finding their own solutions without our micro-managing interventions.

Both at home
and at school, it may be that children are not given enough opportunity to find
their own creative solutions, not only to scholastic problems, but even more so
to relationship issues. It may be that now, with more “teaching to the test,”
and lack of recess that children no long have the downtime, playtime necessary
to work out and repair rifts with classmates or arguments with friends.

Developmentally,
children need not only academic structure, but also time to develop social
skills as well. We can’t do it for our children but we can create the space and
give the environment in which the cocoon can thrive.

When we are
most in tune with our kids, are most empathic and understanding of them, we are
giving them the best nurturing environment possible. Ironically, when we are
“over-invested” (trying to make an easy way out hole in the cocoon), we are not
in tune with their best interests. Our job is to model for them. Patience in
the face of difficulties, resourcefulness and resilience in the face of
obstacles, and especially respect for self and others. We know our children
need to crawl before they walk, we know they need to stumble at first when they
do walk, so we can continue to let them meet their developmental challenges
knowing that while we cannot live their lives for them (nor should we), we can
provide them with a nourishing cocoon from which they will burst forth on their
own and in their own time.

Kayta Curzie
Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is in private practice in
Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments atMindMatters@DrGajdos.com or (610)388-2888. Past columns are posted towww.drgajdos.com.

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.