Mind Matters: It’s that time of year again

Welcome to the holiday season when we are inundated with sales and sentimentality: Thanksgiving, parties, parades, lights, Santa, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years. In my Catholic heritage, there is also Jan. 6, the “Epiphany” — the word meaning sudden realization. Maybe that feast gets short shrift because we can’t see or hear beyond the cacophony of the other holidays.

This time of year can be anxiety provoking for many. Family dissonance may be dampened in August only to loudly sound in December. The Brandywine Valley easily conjures the Currier and Ives image of happy families headed in horse and carriage to grandma’s house for savory turkey and warm apple pie. However, there are other stories to be told. Families of divorce must work out the dilemmas of blended families: whose children will go where this year? Families that have not experienced divorce may still face family cutoffs. This can occur, for example, where adult siblings are at odds with each other, and so, not everyone can sit comfortably at grandma’s table.

Change inevitably occurs, too, when our children all of a sudden become married adults. Then there is a decision dance between the families of origin. Where will the grown kids go?

The most poignant holiday situations have to do with remembering loved ones who have died. Even though time can help change the relationship to these loved ones, it can never give closure to the grief.

Here are a few suggestions on how to enjoy the holidays:

·         Light a candle at the dinner table in honor of loved ones who have died;
·         Work throughout the year on repairing family relationships;
·         In divorce situations, put aside personal differences and remember to act in the best interests of the children;
·         For those with adult children, make clear requests of what you would like, knowing that a request is not a demand;
·         Consider more donations to those in need, and fewer gifts to those who hardly need a thing.

• Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com or 610-388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.

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