When one of my children was in third grade, the class played
out renditions of Aesop’s Fables on the little meeting house stage of West
Chester Friends.
One story in particular has stayed with me for over twenty
years. May be it was those cardboard waves being pulled to and fro by some
unseen 8-year-old hands that keeps the image so alive. Standing on the “shore”
by the “water,” a child lectures to the “struggling” boy caught between waves’
movements. The lecturer notes how the swimmer didn’t heed the warnings, should
have known better, didn’t know how to swim in the first place, and so on. As a
result, the boy drowns.
Beyond the image of these third graders, Aesop’s message
carried, then and now, a most poignant lesson. Aesop, another young thespian
reminds us, tells us that when a person is drowning (or in trouble in some way)
save the lecture for later. Do the rescuing and the helping first.
Aesop noted this thousands of years ago, but we humans don’t
do well remembering the wisdom already given us. Time and again, we lecture or
criticize, when what is needed is support, aid, sometimes even an out and out
rescue.
My Mother got Aesop. I remember her telling me about the
time my brother, as a 2-year old, climbed out an open window and onto the roof
below, naked save for a superman cape and an intention to fly. She
instinctively knew that that was not the time for a lecture, but a very
persuasive coaching back to the window and into safety—the stern talking to
come later.
Recently, I saw a documentary (Sergio, HBO Documentary, 2010
Chasing The Flame, LLC) about Sergio Vieira de Mello, who had been the United
Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights and the Secretary-General’s Special
Representative in Iraq. When, in August, 2003, the Baghdad Canal Hotel was
bombed by terrorists (who may well have been targeting Sergio himself), Sergio
and a colleague became pinned in the rubble for many hours. Two U.S. military
rescuers who worked diligently to free the two men recalled their efforts, even
to the point of a re-enactment of events. Sergio did not survive; his companion
did; but his legs were amputated at the site of entrapment. I note this story
here as it relates to Aesop’s fable (not as it relates to the horrors of such
primitive surgery in horrific circumstances).
All four men manifested bravery and persistence. However,
the two rescuers exhibited, it seemed to me, the polarities of Aesop’s tale.
One soldier commended Sergio’s selflessness (even to the point of sending a
letter to the U.N. describing his experience with Sergio). This soldier
perceived Sergio as compassionate and courageous, uncomplaining about his own
state, yet constantly concerned about the well-being of his staff. The other
soldier, meanwhile appeared still angry that Sergio never followed his lecture directives
to “pray to Jesus, God will save you.”
Despite the adage that there are no atheists in foxholes,
Sergio would not succumb to this religious soldier’s admonitions. And so, the
one soldier was bereft that Sergio could not be saved, and saw in this man a
bright beacon of compassion, the other soldier remained caught in “he didn’t
follow my directives, therefore, it was Sergio who failed.” To my mind, this
latter rescuer didn’t get the Aesop memo.
So what does this have to do with anything in our world now?
I look at the oil spewing into the Gulf and I think, while the government needs
to thoroughly investigate the whys and wherefores of BP, Halliburton, and
whatever corporations are involved, the most important focus now is how to
resolve the problem at hand and not expend energy (hmmm!) on blame.
The alcoholic may need a treatment center, but don’t lecture
him about that when he’s inebriated. Wait until morning for “The Talk.” The
teenager may text home at 2 a.m.—well beyond curfew. No time for text message
battles—the lecture can come after everybody gets some sleep.
Beyond Aesop’s fable, I would like to voice another
observation about the oil disaster in the Gulf. My clients can be wonderfully
wise. Often their concerns go well beyond their personal life to all life on
earth. Recently, several women have expressed their worry about the oil gushing
into the Gulf. One noted, “Mother Nature is not happy with us.” Another put
forth the idea of having a world day of humble prayer for forgiveness to the
earth for what we have done to her. These women may be onto something. For all
the linear thinking (beyond even the blame game) about how to solve this tragic
disaster, no one has considered that maybe the Halliburton’s and the BP’s (and
we are all accountable to some extent) ought to lay prostrate on those tarred
Gulf shores and shed tears for what they (and we as humans) have done in
plundering the earth’s resources without ever so much as a “Thank you, we are
humbly grateful for all your bounty.”
Trying not to lecture here when the need is for the
solution, not the blame, I do wonder if some soulful humility (the word itself
comes from the Latin word humus—meaning Earth) might be in order in addition to
some non-linear problem solving.
In The Heart of Being Hawaiian (Watermark Publishing, 2008),
Sally-jo Bowman reminds us of “ho’oponopono.” This is the Hawaiian family
tradition whereby people seek to solve problems, not by focusing on blame, but
by “making right” relations that are not working. It would seem that our
relationship, not only with each other, but also with the earth, has gone awry.
Perhaps we all need to take heed how to “make right our relationship” with
Mother Earth. Time for “ho’oponopono.”
* Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling
psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She
welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com
or (610)388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com.
Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.
