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Many, many moons ago, I remember driving in a pouring rain
through the streets of Philadelphia with a friend. There was a young woman standing,
waiting for a bus, probably, who was wearing a mini-skirt, bright purple
stockings, and white boots. I thought to myself, “How gauche!”—or some other
college form of endearment of that innocent era. (Swear words were yet to make
their debut in my life.) My friend blurted out how wonderful it was to witness
this person dressed so joyfully on a gray day. His poetic perspective left
judging behind. That moment, however, was an epiphany regarding my own
criticality.
We all carry within us a terrible and sometimes terrifying
inner critic. Regrettable as that is, it is also unfortunate that we all manage
to inflict our own internal judge on just about everyone we meet, or even just
observe.
There is a vast difference between the discernment and
judgment we as humans need to have to perceive danger. We do need to be wary of
predatory people, sociopathic types, whether they wear an Armani suit or carry
a chain saw. When the hair goes up on the nape of your neck, it’s time to
listen to your inner instinctual sage.
That necessary attention is mightily different from the
everyday judgments we make hastily about both ourselves and others. Why do we
critique someone who wears purple stockings or a fuzzy hat? Why do we harshly
judge someone for their physique, be they large or small? For one, we have no
idea what inner burdens they carry, what story is theirs, what history created
their present situation. Instead of empathetically walking in their moccasins
(or white boots), we fear the unfamiliar.
Perhaps out of such fear of the unknown other, we get caught
in comparison mind: “I’m better than you because I don’t look like that or say
that.” Other times we may mind travel to the opposite pole where our inner
dialogue is a putdown of ourselves: “I wish I could be that trim, that young,
that rich, that famous.”
Whether our comparison mind is a disdain for the other or a
disdain of ourselves, the source is the same: a lack of compassionate
acceptance.
Compassion starts with accepting ourselves for just the way
we are, our imperfections being the signature of our humanness. When we accept
ourselves in that way, we can accept others with compassion too.
This movement from comparison to compassion is a journey
without end. Even in monasteries and meditation halls, comparison mind runs
rampant. Often, when committed to a silent retreat, we can find ourselves in
comparison mind. We find the chatter between our ears drones on: “I’d like to
have a prayer shawl like hers” or “ooh, why does he make that weird sound when
he breathes in?” And on and on. In any spiritual retreat, Buddhist, Catholic,
or otherwise, the hope is that we use these comparison mind ruminations to be
grist for the mill. So we gently return to the prayer or the breath,
non-judgmental of ourselves regarding our own sorry judgments of others. “There
I go again, come back to center, dear one.”
I recall an incident when my daughter was about two years
old and kept going over to a large flower pot in the home of a friend, wanting
to throw the dirt. I would gently remove her from her target. A little while
later, she would make another attempt. Again, the gentle bringing her back to
the table and away from the plant. This repeated several times.
Well, in meditation, prayer, and in life our comparison mind
is like a two-year old, and so gently, compassionately, we bring her back.
Imagine our comparison mind being like the little toddler
who needs compassion and understanding. As we grow in compassion and
understanding for ourselves, we can grow in compassion for others.
• Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling
psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She
welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com
or (610)388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com.
About Kayta Gajdos
Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.
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