Mind Matters: Parenting with presence makes for a better future
“Your children are not your children: They are the sons and the daughters of life’s longing for itself. … You can give them your love but not your thoughts, they have their own thoughts.” These words of Kahlil Gibran, the Lebanese spiritual poet, have been ringing in my ears lately. That is because I have been singing them with the Anna Crusis choir in music arranged by Ysaye Barnwell, a member of Sweet Honey in the Rock. So these words are my segue to the theme of parenting.
Ever wonder what the hardest job in the world might be? Neurosurgeon? Nuclear Engineer? Firefighter? Nurse? Any number of professions may be difficult and require extensive study and training, but the hardest job in the world may be the one many of us perform with little or no education—and, yes, that is parenting.
Besides, any amount of training never prepares us for the reality of child rearing.
Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn, authors of “Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting” note “parenting is a mirror in which we get to see the best of ourselves, and the worst; the richest moments of living, and the most frightening.”
Marriage and family therapist Susan Stiffelman expands upon the Kabat-Zinn’s wisdom in her book, “Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids.” Here she explores how parents can learn about themselves as they travel the path of parenting. If we are willing to be their pupils, all the while also being the pathfinders and authoritative (not authoritarian) guides, children can teach us much about ourselves. We learn about our shadow within, the influence of our family history, our foibles, our mistakes, our limits.
“One of the greatest teachers you could ever hope to learn from is living right under your roof, even if (especially if) he or she pushes your buttons or challenges your limitations,” remarks Stiffelman. We learn, for example, what kind of interactor we are with others, as well as with our children. Are we passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, or assertive?
When we are passive parents we so want our children’s approval that we tamp down our feelings in order to placate, collapsing into the child’s demands. An aggressive parent takes the opposite tack, intimidating and threatening the child, creating an atmosphere of fear that lacks any sense of emotional (and perhaps physical) safety. Shame and guilt are the dysfunctional tools of the passive, aggressive parent. The child in this situation can feel responsible for the parent’s emotions to the detriment of their own needs.
The fourth form of interaction, being assertive, is the one to strive for, says Stiffelman. An assertive parent maintains healthy boundaries so that the child has access to his or her own feelings, wants, and inclinations. The parent here accepts the child for who he or she is.
Remember Mr. Rogers? He would say, “I like you just the way you are.” His television program was as brilliant a source of wise counsel for parents as it was for children. Certainly, he would agree with Stiffelman that when we are assertive parents, we don’t react to our children’s complaints by not taking their balking personally, thus avoiding the plunge into power struggles.
Although Stiffelman provides much practical advice on how to handle specific emotions and situations, she also gives instruction for deeper reflection. Thus, hers is a book not only of “how to’s” but also of “why’s.”
We cannot grow as parents if we do not reflect on why we may act as we do in response to our children’s behaviors. Often, our children’s personalities trigger is us reactions that arise from our experiences in our own family. Here are a few examples of Stiffelman’s questions for reflection:
“Who in your past does your child remind you of when she exhibits … [a certain] behavior?”
“Is your child expressing an undesirable trait that reminds you of something in yourself you find hard to face?”
“How did your early caregivers interact with you when you manifested this unpleasant trait or behavior? Were they critical or shaming? Did they compare you to a more agreeable sibling?”
The work of parenting can be the growth of our consciousness if we look beneath the child’s behaviors to our own unresolved emotions and losses. If we learn about ourselves from our own parenting, our children will be all the wiser for it. Stiffelman, in “Parenting with Presence,” gives us a concise travel guide for the journey.
* Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com or 610-388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com.
About Kayta Gajdos
Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.
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