Mind Matters: Couples coping

Posted by Dr. Kayta Gajdos on May 18, 2011

Couples researcher John Gottman
presented at a conference recently on The Science of Trust. Although his book
of the same name focused mainly on couples in relationships, Gottman in the
meeting extrapolated his science of trust from individuals and couples to the
societal level. There he considered how there has been a whittling away of
trust in society the way the disparity between the wages of CEO’s and of their
lowest paid employees has grown exponentially in the past 25 years. (CEO’s make
400 times more than their employees.) Gottman’s notion is that this disparity
produces a heavy burden upon the average family and that the resultant economic
stress can only have a negative effect upon the already anxious everyman’s
family.

While we may not effect change
in the economic-societal arena, we can actively transform our personal
relationships. Here are a few tips from John Gottman and his relationship
researchers.

Gottman’s group focuses on
repair because couples in daily living are going to mess up communication.
Rather than consider perfect communication as the goal, Gottman searches for
patterns of repair in couples. When there is a breakdown in communication, how
well do couples repair? Do couples have more negative or positive affect?
Relationships, to be real, will have some “negativity.” More important is how
pervasive is the negativity. Gottman and his group note that relationships must
have at least a five to one ratio of positivity to negativity during conflict.
In other words, even in disagreements, the “healthy” couple manages more
positive than negative interaction.

If the couple escalates
negative affect through criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stone-walling
(Gottman’s “four horsemen of the apocalypse”), trouble is brewing. If one
partner ignores the other partner’s bid for emotional connection by turning
away, that also portends problems. This is where one partner tries to get the
other’s attention with interest, humor, affection, or support and is rebuffed.
A corollary to this is the “turning against” stance, where one partner
withdraws, emotionally disengages, or distances with irritability.

What Gottman and his
researchers discovered is that in couples’ (and families for that matter)
interactions, physiological arousal occurs. That is, our biochemical stressors
get activated when we are in conflict. Heart rates rise, adrenaline is
secreted, and our ability to process information shuts down. We lose our sense
of humor and creativity as well. And a pattern of fight or flight ensues.
Hence, what is most important in couples interaction is learning how to
self-soothe, learning how to calm down rather than escalate our own
physiological response to the stressors at hand.

Gottman notes that every
relationship has perpetual issues or themes. It is not that happy couples don’t
have conflict so much as they learn to cope with conflict. One way to cope is to
learn how to remain physiologically calm during arguments. Other signs of a
healthy relationship include the ability to accept influence from the partner.
(Most importantly, Gottman and his researchers found that “men’s acceptance of
influence from their female partner was critical for well functioning
heterosexual relationships.”) Also key is the active and continual development
of friendship, intimacy, and positive regard. That is, keeping the fun and
playfulness going even in the midst of tough times.

* Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is
in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com
or (610)388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com.

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.