May 4, 2011

Co-optation has always been the way of capitalism.
And so it goes for Mother’s Day, which actually had its American origins with
Julia Ward Howe’s Mother’s Day Proclamation for Peace in 1870. Not meant to be
a florist’s dream or a restaurateur’s nightmare, Mother’s Day for Julia Ward
Howe was a response to the horrible carnage of the Civil War. She called upon
mothers to protest the “futility of their sons killing the sons of other
mothers.” (Seewww.mothersdaycentral.com.) She
promulgated an international Mother’s Day to celebrate not only motherhood but
also peace. As this website states,

“Despite
having penned The Battle Hymn of the Republic 12 years earlier, Howe had become
so distraught by the death and carnage of the Civil War that she called on
Mother’s to come together and protest what she saw as the futility of their
Sons killing the Sons of other Mothers. With the following, she called for an
international Mother’s Day celebrating peace and motherhood.”

Julia Ward Howe’s Mother’s Day
Proclamation of 1870

Arise,
then, women of this day!
Arise all women who have hearts,
Whether your baptism be that of water or of tears
Say firmly:

“We
will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands shall not come to us reeking of carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of
charity, mercy and patience.

“We
women of one country
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.”

From
the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says, “Disarm, Disarm!”
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice!
Blood does not wipe out dishonor
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war.

Let
women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.

Let
them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.

Let
them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God.

In
the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions.
The great and general interests of peace.

Julia Ward Howe’s efforts to commemorate such a day
failed once she stopped funding the events. However, Anna Reeves Jarvis, and
later, her daughter, Anna M. Jarvis, campaigned for Mother’s Day with renewed
fervor. By 1914, President Woodrow Wilson made it an official national holiday.
However, the holiday became so quickly commercialized that Anna Jarvis herself
vehemently denounced its exploitation.

Putting aside the exploitation of its origins,
Mother’s Day can be a difficult event for many reasons. Consider the pain of
the young woman who has just miscarried or is battling infertility and goes to
church on Mother’s Day to have the clergy ask all the mothers to stand up and
garner applause. Consider the heartache of the mother whose child (or children)
have died. And, there, of course, is the grief for those whom mothers have
died. But perhaps even more difficult than that loss is the woundedness some
feel for not having a “good enough” mother in the first place. Mother’s Day
becomes then a poignant remembrance for all that never was. While we honor the
idea and the ideal of Motherhood on Mother’s Day—of unconditional love,
generosity, kindness, an open heart and a warm embrace—there are those for whom
the reality is vastly different, where such a motherhood is neither known nor
remembered.

So if Mother’s Day can be so fraught with mixed
messages, what is there to do? Recognize that each of us has a unique response
to the day, depending on our family histories, our griefs, our longings.
Refrain from expectations on ourselves or others for how it “should” be.
Reflect upon what Julia Ward Howe wanted of the remembrance: for women of heart
to unite in peace to protect all sons (and daughters).

*
Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is in
private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments atMindMatters@DrGajdos.com
or 610-388-2888. Past columns are posted towww.drgajdos.com.

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.

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