A
psychologist reads the newspaper and shakes her head. Why do we go gaga over
Lady Gaga above the fold (yipes, the print paper Philadelphia Inquirer)—and below
the fold? The story is about lengths women pursue to look like celebrities such
as Lady Gaga and die in the pursuit. (It seems that now big butts are de rigueur and injections to produce the
wanted effect can kill.) And in a back section of the paper languishes the
story of the laid off Camden policeman with a handicapped son who is in
continual need of medical care.

Something is
very askew here about our values, our priorities. We celebrate Valentine’s Day—all
hearts and flowers—this week but where are our hearts really? What if
Valentine’s Day would be more about developing a compassionate heart than a
__________ __________. You
may fill in the blanks however suits you.

This past
Sunday, I gave a talk on Quiet Wisdom In
Loud Times: Women of Heart Who Need To Be Heard.

Our loud
times are full of stories about celebrities, the ideal sexy body, Botox,
silicone surgeries, etc. The cliché, “to die for,” meanwhile, has become a real
killer. Men and women both fall prey to the trap of following the mob media
mentality. Women pursue what they believe is the sexy body men desire. And men,
indeed, often objectify women into sexual play things.

We forget
where true value lies—not in fleeting appearance, but in the hearts of both men
and women. Some of us may remember the classic “Picture of Dorian Gray” by
Oscar Wilde. I remember seeing the movie version of it when I was a child. It
had an impact. Dorian Gray sells his soul to the devil so that he can remain
charmingly handsome, a beautiful, albeit narcissistic, specimen of a man,
defying age. Meanwhile, the decay of his soul is being registered on his
portrait hidden in the attic. There residing is his horrific visage that expresses
all his ugliness within.

Perhaps
because I am in my 60s, I am even more in wonderment about our culture of youth
that denies death, fears age. I look back at my photos of even ten years ago
and yes, I have definitely aged (and I especially miss my long thick hair!).
But I also look back at youth, and know its folly. I know how women can blindly
defer to what they think men want, give away their fierce identity for a look
that is not theirs.

My mother
used to say that no matter how old you are, within, your spirit is still young.
Your heart aches for life. I know that the elderly (even older than I!) I see
at a local retirement community don’t want to be dismissed and forgotten
because they don’t look like their graduation or their wedding pictures. Still,
within they carry their own unique aliveness.

We get
blindsided by youthful bodies and body image and need to find the wisdom of our
hearts again.

Two models
of “hearts of wisdom” attended my talk on Sunday. I have known this couple for
years—even before Kathryn contracted ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis). She
has lost all use of her body except for slight movements of her head by which
she operates her computer. Her husband Gerry has been her most caring
caretaker. They have a loving bond that goes beyond the bounds of body Their
hearts and souls remain loving and giving to each other and to the world.

The quiet
wisdom we need to hear is from the anonymous everyday people who face life with
heart—whether they be the policeman worried about how to procure medical
insurance for his son, or by friends living the limits of ALS, or what is deep
within our own hearts if only we would listen.

* Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in
counseling psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania.
She welcomes comments at[email protected] or (610)388-2888. Past columns
are posted towww.drgajdos.com.

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.

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