The word empathy gets bandied about a lot these days, becoming yet another platitude. If we slap the word in a “PR” paragraph, it must mean a corporation cares. If we use it in conversation, it must mean we really own it. Well, no, on both counts.
True empathy is the unsung hero of the quotidian lives we live. What is empathy anyway? It is not to be confused with its weaker cousin sympathy. My own notion of sympathy is that it often borders on pitying another for their loss or misfortune, with maybe an unconscious tinge of “that’s sad for you, sure am glad I’m not you.” Empathy, on the other hand, takes the risk of identifying with the other’s feelings, or walking a mile in the other’s moccasins, as the adage goes.
Trouble is, we often think empathy is only meant for special cases. Instead, we should be living it in all the mundane activities we do — with our spouses, with our kids, with our friends, actually with everyone we encounter. Perhaps no one but an enlightened Buddhist master would be able to be almost flawlessly empathetic (I do believe Mr. Rogers came pretty close.) Nevertheless, we persist.
What does everyday empathy look like? It means that we really listen to our children (including infants) and meet them when they are not where we want them to be. It is of the utmost selfishness for a parent to inflict their will over a child’s needs simply because that makes life easier for the parent. Empathic parenting entails sacrifice, not selfishness.
Everyday empathy is about remembering what another needs. When my spouse without any prompts from me goes out and clears all the snow off the car because he knows I have to leave for work, that is empathy, not selfishness.
When a spouse cleans the bathroom after he’s done his morning routine, that’s empathy. When a friend listens to your painful story, that’s empathy.
Empathy is the opposite of self-absorption and selfishness. It really is considering how another feels or anticipating another’s needs—from responding to an infant’s cry to clearing snow from a car. May every small act of empathy lead to another.
About Kayta Gajdos
Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.
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