Mind Matters: The path to healthy boundaries

Posted by Dr. Kayta Gajdos on April 23, 2016

Well, it happened again. A young man walking with, presumably his girl friend at Longwood, has his arm around her neck. She looks uncomfortable and is protesting. Finally, after some time, he gets the message and removes his arm from this “wrestling” hold. No, not the first time I’ve witnessed this kind of display of boundary crossing.

The boyfriend, in this scene, invaded the young woman’s personal space; she did not want to be touched in this way. Whether what he was doing was physically hurting her or not was not the crux of the matter. At root is the notion that a person’s body—infant, child, or adult—is their space, sacred if you will, not to be dominated or intruded upon by another.

Defining boundaries as a line that marks a limit, what about healthy boundaries in relationships? When do we intrude upon another’s space? Unhealthy boundaries and intrusiveness can occur between couples, parents and children, employer and employee, and friends. Anywhere people are!

Simplistically re-interpreting the eighteenth century philosopher Immanuel Kant, one person’s freedom ends where another person’s freedom begins. Hopefully, we readily see that physical abuse or sexual abuse are egregious boundary violations. However, other intrusive and unwanted behavior inflicted on another need to be included on the spectrum of such violations.

Fossum and Mason in their book “Facing Shame” discuss the development of healthy versus unhealthy physical boundaries in families. Healthy physical boundaries, they say, “require a clear sense of physical space. Those with defined boundaries can intuit distance comfort and discomfort and can move away or toward someone…They have grown up with people respectful of their physical space and have had appropriate recognition of their developmental needs regarding modesty and openness.”

While physical boundaries are necessary, so are emotional and intellectual boundaries. Most assuredly, in families, they intersect. According to Fossum and Mason, intellectual boundary violations include criticizing, blaming, mind reading, prying. These inappropriate behaviors can be acted out by parents to a child, or by an adult to an adult. There are also speech boundary violations: talking over the other, interrupting, raising voices, correcting, completing sentences.

In addition, emotional boundary blurring can occur in families where generational boundaries are lost: that is, where one parent fuses with a child for his or her emotional support. This is not to be confused with healthy loving relationships. The child, in this case, doesn’t know where his or her feelings begin or end, having become an emotional sponge for the needy parent, thus mirroring the parent’s roller coaster of emotions.

All this reflection on boundaries from one scene on a garden path. My guess is that if that couple is to have a flowery future, they will need to take heed of healthy boundaries — as do we all.

* Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com or 610-388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com. See book.quietwisdom-loudtimes.com for information about her book, “Quiet Wisdom in Loud Times: The Rise of the Wounded Feminine.”

** The opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the ownership or management of Chadds Ford Live. We welcome opposing viewpoints. Readers may comment in the comments section or they may submit a Letter to the Editor to: editor@chaddsfordlive.com

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.