Mind Matters: Words matter

Posted by Dr. Kayta Gajdos on April 9, 2016

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” So goes the childhood ditty of defense against the bully. Actually, words do hurt and they do matter.

This column has addressed bullying previously. Hence, the foray into words here will take a different tack — not only how we use words towards and about others but towards ourselves as well.

No Pollyanna of positive psychology am I, yet I concur with cognitive behavioral therapists about how we can be negative with our words. We may “generalize” when something we don’t like happens and say, “it’s always like this,” or we may “awfulize” and perceive even a minor disturbance as a horrific one. Family therapists talk about rephrasing a situation or message — how to speak affirmatively instead of negatively.

Now with the birth of my first grandchild, I am even more cognizant of how words matter — what we say and how we say it is creating an imprint on that young, absorbent mind.

What does she hear us say, not only to her but to each other that will influence not only her speech development but also her outlook on life? Recently, I needed my own reframe when I developed a very painful neck, shoulder, and arm. What did I say? “My neck and arm are killing me.” A colleague and friend urged the rephrase. Okay, my arm and neck hurt, but they are not “killing me.” Why add that violent image to what already hurts? So I changed the message to self. Also note that there are also psychological components to our aches, as well as muscular issues. Who is the “pain in the neck”? Are they really “killing you”?

We bandy about all sorts of words that convey much violence and negativity.

We label ourselves and others cruelly, often internalizing the negative refrains of a verbally abusive authority figure from childhood. Some of us go beyond chastising ourselves with these inner voices that chide us with “you’re stupid” or “bad” (or whatever words demean us) and externalize the labels onto others. Who hasn’t cursed at a driver in “our way”?

Think, too, about the words we use to describe another derogatorily that are our and their body parts. Ever reflect on how there really is no part of the body that should be so defamed? From head to toe, mouth to -----, we are one whole body. We need all the parts to work in unison.

I am reflecting on my words about myself and others a lot these days. Might you do the same?

* Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com or 610-388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com. See book.quietwisdom-loudtimes.com for information about her book, “Quiet Wisdom in Loud Times: The Rise of the Wounded Feminine.”

** The opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the ownership or management of Chadds Ford Live. We welcome opposing viewpoints. Readers may comment in the comments section or they may submit a Letter to the Editor to: editor@chaddsfordlive.com

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.