Mind Matters: Domestic violence revisited

Posted by Dr. Kayta Gajdos on September 24, 2014

Perhaps, for once, some good has arisen from certain violent, abusive acts that, because of the celebrities involved, captured headlines and sound bites.

That is, of course, the story of football player Ray Rice punching his fiancé into unconsciousness in an elevator and later another football player castigated for beating his 4-year-old with a switch.

We err greatly if we think football players have a monopoly on domestic violence, however.

The American Psychological Association reports that those who perpetrate family violence are a heterogeneous group. The common denominator among all socio-economic classes and ethnicities that leads to emotional and physical abuse of both children and partners is the power differential. That is, the perpetrator (or “batterer”) misuses power and authority to the disrespect and disregard of the other. The “relationship” is about domination and control. So partner violence occurs across age, ethnic, religious, gender, and economic lines, and among the disabled, the heterosexual, and LGBT communities, as well.

While men can be battered, as well as women, the statistics show that women, by and large, suffer the effects of partner violence to a far greater degree than men.

The APA notes that one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Furthermore, interpersonal violence is the leading cause of female homicides and injury-related deaths during pregnancy.

If you want more scary statistics reported by the APA, nearly half the women in the US home experienced some kind of psychological aggression by an intimate partner. Every day, on average, three women are murdered by a husband or boyfriend.

Whether it is called battering, abuse or domestic violence, the bottom line is that such aggressive acts can be emotional or physical. In emotional abuse, the abuser demeans and humiliates the partner (or child!). This includes verbal insults, threats, social isolation, and economic hardship and more. Physical abuse takes the violence into the realm of bodily harm.

The Domestic Violence Roundtable of Massachusetts uses psychologist Lenore Walker’s cycle of domestic violence to describe the dynamics of violent relationships. Note that the cycle may happen in a day or may arc over weeks or even months. First is the tension-building stage. As tension rises over common concerns such as money, children, jobs, verbal abuse begins. The victim may attempt to placate or appease the abuser by avoidance or giving in. The second stage is when the tension reaches a level where physical violence starts. Some external event or the abuser’s own emotionally reactive state, or a combination thereof sets off the physical violence. Next, is the honeymoon stage where the abuser may express shame and remorse, or tries to minimize the abuse or blames the whole event on the partner. This might be the roses and diamonds stage where the abuser is loving and helpful and generous. There are even attempts to convince the partner that it will never happen again. The bond between the partners is (temporarily) repaired and the victim yet again feels no need to leave the relationship.

According to the Domestic Violence Roundtable, “This cycle continues over and over, and may help explain why victims stay in abusive relationships. The abuser may be terrible, but the promises and generosity of the honeymoon phase give the victim the false belief that everything will be all right.”

And yes, communities of affluence and privilege have their share of domestic violence. It may be even more difficult to seek help when the victims and abusers in such places are the “pillars” of such communities.

Perhaps now that domestic violence has hit the headlines, we will all see that it is not an issue to be kept hidden behind closed doors—elevator, or otherwise. Let us trust for the day that “domestic violence” becomes the oxymoron that it should be.

Resources:
• Domestic Violence Roundtable, Sudbury, Massachusetts (www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org)
• American Psychological Association (APA.org)
• Domestic Violence Services Network (DVSN), (888) 399-6111

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.