Mind Matters: The I and the we

Posted by Dr. Kayta Gajdos on September 5, 2013

“Let there be spaces between your togetherness,” said Kahlil Gibran, the Lebanese poet, long ago. Meanwhile, before even his words, the German poet, R.M. Rilke reminds us, “Love consists in this: that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.”

The poets speak the wisdom of family and couples therapists. I often describe to my clients how relationships need both an “I” and a “we.” Whether couples are straight or gay makes no matter: the dynamics are the same. Every long term relationship—marriage—to be healthy, necessitates a continual balance between being two individuals and being a unit of “one.”

Without a balance between these two opposites—separateness and togetherness—relationships can flounder. I have seen couples who have grown apart because their individual paths were so dominant that their lives stopped intersecting: these couples literally grew apart. Living in parallel universes, they no longer shared any interests, did not initiate pursuits that would bring them together again.

The other end of the spectrum involves couples thast display such togetherness that there is no breathing room. What often happens in such cases is that one person will feel smothered by the “fusion” and attempts to break free. Unfortunately, the break may not just be a plea for space in the relationship but may be a cry instead to sever the relationship entirely.

Another version of “we-ness” gone awry occurs when one person in the relationship “de-selfs” him or herself in deference to the other. In “de-selfing” there is an imbalance of “power” in the relationship. Instead of being peers, seeing eye to eye, one partner maybe more dominant while the other may be more submissive. This can be blatant: as in physically abusive relationships where one partner, usually the male, controls the other, usually the woman, by violence. Yet this power play can be subtle as well—for example, when one partner controls the purse strings or when job moves are made unilaterally without consideration of the effects on the partner and the family in general.

An antidote to “de-selfing” is respect for each individual’s needs. Having a “self” is not to be confused with selfishness. Honoring the self in relationship is the only way to bring aliveness to the “we” of relationship.

I recall many years ago, the early family therapists, Salvador and Pat Minuchin, remarking how partners may sometimes have to take turns in the individuation process. Simply put, “individuation” is about maturation with the adult that is fully you, as in Abraham Maslow’s terms, self-actualization. The Minuchins observed, in their work with graduate students that only one student partner could complete his or her dissertation while the other partner kept the home fires burning. Then they could switch roles. In other words, one person kept the we-ness alive and well, while the other focused on individuation. Otherwise, if both were individuating at the same time, the possibility loomed large that each would veer off into separate parallel universes! Surely there are exceptions to the Minuchin’s generalization. Anecdotally, however, I can attest that my spouse completed his dissertation first, and then I completed mine.

In healthy relationships, there is respect for both the “I” and the “We.” There is acknowledgment that awareness, growth, and aliveness come from the constant movement between these seeming polarities. In fact, the dance between gives more fullness to both!

* Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com or 610-388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com.

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.