I remember clearly that it was a Tuesday morning and we were sitting in the kitchen, being interviewed for an article about the new mania for sweet wines. Things were rolling along and Eric told a story about one of our early experiences at Chaddsford Winery, somewhere along 25 years ago. It was a funny story that provoked smiles all around, but it wasn’t true. Or wasn’t accurate. Or didn’t happen exactly that way.

No, truth be told, I was there and I remember the same situation very clearly and very differently, so differently that it was scary. So scary that I wanted to jump in and say, “No, that’s wrong, what actually happened was...”

But of course I couldn’t. But could I let something be published that wasn’t true? Or was it?

Now that’s really frightening. Being over 60, I’ve certainly gotten used to senior moments and the penchant to misplace keys, lose glasses, leave raincoats at restaurants, and forget where I put things that I was sure at the time I would remember. And I think as a couple we’ve learned to laugh and accept that those things happen and we better be pretty good natured about it and get very good at making lists. But, long-term memories about important events and people? How do you deal with those when someone else’s memory is completely different from your own?

Obviously this has been bothering me, so I asked a good friend about it the other day. She smiled and shook her head and said, “Well, I usually just let it go or we would be arguing all the time.”

True. But, what if it’s important?

“If it really bothers me,” she said, “then I’ll say, well, that’s not how I remember it. It happened like this. And then he’ll get mad and say, ‘Why are you always disagreeing with me.’ And my response will be, ‘Do you really think I mention it every time you say something that’s wrong.’”

Hmmm….

I know we could bring the psychologists in here and they would have scientific explanations for the vagaries of memory. Maybe the sociologists would explain context and setting and wishful thinking. Or, the criminologists who can certainly attest to the fact that multiple witnesses can have dramatically different accounts of the same event can explain why. But regardless of why it happens, my question is: How do you deal with it?

Maybe more so, is it important? Are we our memories? Is it important if I remember the birth of our first child differently than my husband, or if my sister and I have different memories of growing up in the same household? How about if my father-in-law, in my husband’s words, “re-wrote” history? (I suppose there isn’t really that much difference between being in a dining room with a representative from the Swedish government than “dining with the King of Sweden.”)

I think over the years I’ve gotten used to the impersonal differences in memories, like when people would stop by our business, which we started from scratch in 1982, and tell us stories about how they visited there with their parents in the 1960s. Or the ones who said they were good friends with the previous owners. You tell them the facts and then just smile and walk away if they don’t believe you. But, it’s a bit touchier when two of you live together, experienced the same event, and have very different memories of it.

I’m still working on this one. Something tells me it’s going to happen more frequently in the future. Hubbie says it’s not important and makes life interesting. Would be very interested in anyone else’s experiences, solutions, suggestions.

P.S. In my last column, I discussed issues involving “rewirement” and received some very informational and inspirational readers’ comments. I thoroughly enjoyed the feedback and hearing about your own experiences, and plan to come back to these comments in another article to continue the dialogue. If your comments are personal in nature, I am more than happy to receive them at my e-mail address, but if you would like to share your thoughts with other readers, consider posting replies on-line in the space below the article – the benefit of doing so is that they will get re-printed in the next news blast for others to see.

* Lee Miller welcomes responses. Please email them to leemiller229@gmail.com