Mind Matters


“Don’t ask, don’t tell” says the news announcer on the radio
as I drive. Of course, this phrase these days almost exclusively refers to the
U.S. Armed Serrvices’ so-called “solution” of accepting gays in the military by
denying that they are there. It’s akin to the denial found in many a
dysfunctional family.

Alcoholic families, families where there is sexual abuse or
physical abuse or both know this mantra “don’t ask, don’t tell” very well. Its
corollary is “shoot the messenger if the truth be told.” Dysfunctional family
systems and dysfunctional institutional systems operate similarly.

However, sometimes the avoidance of truth in a family is not
a coverup of anything debilitating to the family. In fact, acceptance of the
secret situation would indicate a highly differentiated and mentally healthy
system, a system where individuals could have a sense of belonging while able
to be self-actualized at the same time. When families can accept the coupling
of their children to persons of a different faith, or same gender, or different
culture or race (actually, genetically and scientifically speaking, “race” is
an obsolete nomenclature signifying very superficial differences), then thse
families have a tolerance for differentiation and flexibility. And this is
healthy!

When families can face their problems and struggles, that is
healthy too. Rather than denying that Dad is alcoholic, when family members can
address the illness, they are all getting free of the burden of denials.
Families, in their dysfunctional moments, can attempt to deny all sorts of
stressors. “Let’s pretend Mother doesn’t have cancer.” “Let’s not tell grandma
she’s dying, and we don’t believe it either.” Don’t let Dad know you had a
fender bender.” “Let’s pretend that Auntie way up the family tree didn’t commit
suicide—after all, it was so long ago.” Creating a family mythology around such
lies embeds a subtle toxin into the fabric of life.

How ironic that we tell our little children not to lie and
deny, meanwhile setting our own duplicitous example. Would that the military
and other institutions recognize that denying the individuality of a person
doesn’t serve the health of the system any more than it would serve the health
of the family system.

Relationship and connection depend on acceptance and
openness, not denial and avoidance. For health’s sake, do tell!

• Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling
psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She
welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com
or (610)388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com.

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.

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