Mind Matters

Posted by Dr. Kayta Gajdos on December 17, 2009

“It was a dark and stormy night,” says the clichéd first
line of Snoopy’s novel in the Peanuts cartoon. That also seems to be the first
line of some of my clients recently when they arrive anytime after 4 pm. We are
at the darkest point of the year right now as we lumber towards the solstice.
Night comes early and the dark seems thick and low.

So it is also the time when we push against the dark with
celebrations of light, whether Hanukkah or Christmas or other feasts. There is
a tension here between the opposites of light and dark that is best not to
avoid.

As has been eloquently stated, “The beauty that will save
the world is the love that shares the pain,” according to Cardinal Carlo Maria
Martini, former Archbishop of Milan.

Last night I walked in beauty with Longwood Garden’s lights
beckoning: A beauty of a bittersweet brokenness –The world is still not what it
“should” be. Children are hurting; wars go on; our planet is in environmental
crisis; grief and suffering are woven into the tapestry of our lives. And yet
there is beauty that for a moment helps us transcend this strife. Remember in
Dr. Zhivago when Zhivago and his family were hurled into a freight train full
of strangers? The stench of people’s bodily functions in that cramped space was
overwhelming; yet, when he gazed out a crack in the wall, Zhivago beheld the
beauty of a snowy landscape and he took heart.

This season of sometimes superficial celebration can be
especially difficult for individuals and families who are grieving the loss of
a loved one. There are others whose pain is from the past, remembering
childhood Christmases being marred by conflict and abuse. There are others who
are stressed with lack of money or loss of a job. We are all bombarded by the
advertising hype and the cultural mythology of a sentimental ideal of how
Christmas “should” look. The perfect decorations, the right gifts, the proper
attire.

Letting go of the should and expectations – ours or somebody
else’s – may allow us to take in a glimpse of beauty wherever and whenever we
can. It may be finding beauty in the smile of a friend, or in sighting a
cardinal on a tree branch, or red winter berries framed against a grey sky. It
may even be in the midst of spectacular Christmas decorations of a Longwood
that we transcend some grief for a moment.

Yes, there are practical things I can suggest to those who
struggle through this time of year.

Some of those pragmatic suggestions include lighting a
candle for the loved ones you are grieving; setting a place at the holiday
table for friends and family who have died; creating your own traditions that
break away from traumatic memories; changing your traditions completely the
first year after a loved one dies. Don’t attempt to make it just like it was
because it never will be just like it was.

But beyond the common sense suggestions, we all need to
remember to take heart, as Zhivago did, in discovering glimpses of beauty that
are all around us.

I started by borrowing from Snoopy, so now I’ll take a verse
from the musician/poet Leonard Cohen: “Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the
light gets in.”

By meeting the dark with eyes open, we await the light and
find the beauty that sustains us.

• Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in
counseling psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania.
She welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com or
610-388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com.

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.