Mind Matters: The I, the we, and the common good

The challenge of balancing the I and the We has been with us for thousands of years. The philosopher Plato grappled with it in terms of the “one” versus the “many.” Psychotherapists, with an eye to family dynamics, see the dance of the I and the We played out in the lives of their clients.

There is little distance from the philosophical to the psychotherapeutic to the socio-political realm when it comes to the I and the We. Society needs a healthy balance of the I and the We in order to flourish—no, perhaps even just to survive.

Robert D. Putnam and Shaylyn Romney Garrett are the authors of “The Upswing: How America Came Together A Century Ago and How We Can Do It Again” Writing in Time Magazine (12/14/2020), they note how the Gilded Age of the late 1800s was much like now — polarization; self-centeredness, both public and private; vast inequality. Indeed, America was “highly individualistic, … an ’I’ society.” However, in the early 20th century, there began a shift to a “We trajectory, which produced clear and measurable progress toward greater equality, bipartisanship, connection, and altruism.”

A regression back to the I occurred, according to Putnam and Garrett, in the 1960s, leading now to inequality and polarization worse than it was 100 years ago. “The pandemic has also revealed how self-centered we have become, as many of us shun masks and social distancing, sacrificing shared benefits in favor of individual liberties.” Putnam and Garrett believe a sense of the We can return.

The common good depends on our return to the We. And democracy itself depends on the common good. Wikipedia refers to the common good as what is shared and beneficial for all or most members of a given community. The common good has been propounded by philosophers throughout the centuries, including the “capitalist” Adam Smith. Psychologist David Johnson links the health of democracy to its concern for the common good. “Despite the variety of definitions of the common good, philosophers and other social scientists agree that when citizens no longer care about the common good and no longer take responsibility for ensuring a good life for all citizens, then the democracy, at best, becomes dysfunctional and, at worse, fails by transitioning into dictatorship or chaos.” (Psychology Today, Feb 5, 2018)

Achieving a balance of the I and the We in a family creates a vibrant system where each person is acknowledged for who they are. Nevertheless, there are healthy boundaries and rules for living established within the family. Every good parent teaches their child with each developmental milestone and new freedom gained there is attendant responsibility. The teen is given the keys to the car, for example, but not without a list of responsibilities attached.

If we imagine society as a very large, complicated, and complex family, we can honor the tension between the I and the We and give priority to the common good.

Think about the many ways the common good is necessary. We all need clean air and clean water. Those living upstream should have no claim to pollute the waters for those living downstream. Air too has its “uphill and downhill.” As a grad student in Pittsburgh, I remember an acquaintance smirking about how he and his business school group tested the polluted air near a mill. They knew that the pollution would be higher at the top of the hill where an elementary school was, so they tested the air in the valley where the smoke didn’t go. What they did was legal, yes, but it was not ethical and certainly was not in line with the common good.

It may take time for people to recognize that self-interest backfires. Most of us have come to accept the importance of using seat belts in cars. Most of us stop at stop signs and red lights. As much as these behaviors protect us, they also protect others. So perhaps, the “I and the We” are really two sides of the same coin—the treasure that we hold in the common good.

Wear a mask. Don’t travel yet.

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.