Mind Matters: Letter to first time fathers

Posted by Dr. Kayta Gajdos on August 26, 2015

Consider this an open letter from expectant grandmother to all newly expectant fathers. Sleepless nights lead me to write this. Yes, there is research to confirm what I write but what I write is from my experience and my heart. With the advent of a grandchild, I am reliving my own pregnancies and the early years of child raising.

Note that the expectant mother you love so dearly is in very new territory. Actually this is new to both of you. You are not the master of this universe and need to humbly submit to that which is larger than yourself. You are a participant observer to the creation of new life; meanwhile, mother-host of baby to come is experiencing profound personal and emotional changes. I am not about to wax on about the hormonal chemistry of it all, but would rather alert you to the fact that you will need to flow with these changes.

To be more concrete, when a woman is pregnant, she is already becoming protective of the burgeoning life she carries. Possible dangers in the environment get amplified. Respect and honor that. While women may already be more vigilant to issues of safety in their environment, a pregnant woman may be hyper-vigilant.

Let me share an example from my own life. I have never liked walking through parking garages. However, when I was pregnant, I remember being in a city garage with a heightened sense of urgency and alertness, feeling especially protective of the growing life within. So when your expectant love is making a request about your behavior that arises from her new-found way of being in the world, listen to her. She is becoming a mother and as a mother, she is an even keener observer of her milieu.

Life is changing for both of you. What is important now is what is best for the baby to be.

It doesn’t get simpler after the baby is born. Whatever mothering you got from your spouse will get directed to the baby, as it should be. Babies can’t self-soothe (No, don’t let them cry themselves to sleep) and they need all the love and nurturing possible.

No need to get jealous of the attention the baby will get. Instead, be more attentive to the needs of both baby and mother. This is your opportunity to shine as a caregiver: besides, you’ll get that great oxytocin-love-hormone fix with baby bonding as much as the mother will. Let it happen.

Meanwhile, know that the nursing mother’s body is still intimately beholden to baby’s needs.

What should be the hopeful intent of every parent is to make the lives of their children better than the lives they themselves had as children; this is not about wealth accumulation and power. Beyond the foundations of unconditional love, there should be a sense of providing the next generation with even more possibility for self-actualization. Give the child a safe environment and also one where imagination, awareness, knowledge, and wisdom can develop. Education of the whole child is paramount.

Of course, some societies support parents in this endeavor more than others. For example, most developed nations other than the United States provide paid parental leave and recognize the importance of the first year of life. These same countries subsidize daycare and pre-school too.

Hopefully, you can find ways here, nonetheless, to provide for this little life so that she will flourish into a new dawn and propel future generations forward into greater consciousness.

Maybe this is just the first epistle on how parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world.

* Kayta Curzie Gajdos holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and is in private practice in Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania. She welcomes comments at MindMatters@DrGajdos.com or 610-388-2888. Past columns are posted to www.drgajdos.com. See book.quietwisdom-loudtimes.com for information about her book, “Quiet Wisdom in Loud Times: The Rise of the Wounded Feminine.”

The opinions expressed were those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the ownership or management of Chadds Ford Live. We welcome opposing viewpoints. Readers may comment in the comments section or they may submit a Letter to the Editor to: editor@chaddsfordlive.com

About Kayta Gajdos

Dr. Kathleen Curzie Gajdos ("Kayta") is a licensed psychologist (Pennsylvania and Delaware) who has worked with individuals, couples, and families with a spectrum of problems. She has experience and training in the fields of alcohol and drug addictions, hypnosis, family therapy, Jungian theory, Gestalt therapy, EMDR, and bereavement. Dr. Gajdos developed a private practice in the Pittsburgh area, and was affiliated with the Family Therapy Institute of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, having written numerous articles for the Family Therapy Newsletter there. She has published in the American Psychological Association Bulletin, the Family Psychologist, and in the Swedenborgian publications, Chrysalis and The Messenger. Dr. Gajdos has taught at the college level, most recently for West Chester University and Wilmington College, and has served as field faculty for Vermont College of Norwich University the Union Institute's Center for Distance Learning, Cincinnati, Ohio. She has also served as consulting psychologist to the Irene Stacy Community MH/MR Center in Western Pennsylvania where she supervised psychologists in training. Currently active in disaster relief, Dr. Gajdos serves with the American Red Cross and participated in Hurricane Katrina relief efforts as a member of teams from the Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.Now living in Chadds Ford, in the Brandywine Valley of eastern Pennsylvania, Dr. Gajdos combines her private practice working with individuals, couples and families, with leading workshops on such topics as grief and healing, the impact of multigenerational grief and trauma shame, the shadow and self, Women Who Run with the Wolves, motherless daughters, and mediation and relaxation. Each year at Temenos Retreat Center in West Chester, PA she leads a griefs of birthing ritual for those who have suffered losses of procreation (abortions, miscarriages, infertility, etc.); she also holds yearly A Day of Re-Collection at Temenos.Dr. Gajdos holds Master's degrees in both philosophy and clinical psychology and received her Ph.D. in counseling at the University of Pittsburgh. Among her professional affiliations, she includes having been a founding member and board member of the C.G. Jung Educational Center of Pittsburgh, as well as being listed in Who's Who of American Women. Currently, she is a member of the American Psychological Association, The Pennsylvania Psychological Association, the Delaware Psychological Association, the American Family Therapy Academy, The Association for Death Education and Counseling, and the Delaware County Mental Health and Mental Retardation Board. Woven into her professional career are Dr. Gajdos' pursuits of dancing, singing, and writing poetry.